As you might guess, I have a bit of a disdain for award shows. Especially when they have a metal category because they almost always manage to fuck it up. So how about an awards show devoted to metal? Can't be too bad can it? Yes, yes it can.
Enter the Revolver Golden God Awards. The list of winners:
Most Awesomely Good Drummer: Vinnie Paul (HELLYEAH/PANTERA)
Best Underground Metal Band: ISIS
Metal Industry Award: The Rainbow Bar & Grill
Best Album: METALLICA
Honorary Headbanger: Kat Von D
Golden God: Dave Mustaine (MEGADETH)
Best Riff: SLIPKNOT
Most Viral Video: PROTEST THE HERO
Most Metal Athlete: Shaun White
Best Live Band: Slipknot
Best New Talent: SUICIDE SILENCE
Lifetime Achievement: OZZY OSBOURNE
Best International Band: DETHKLOK
Reader’s Choice Award: ACACIA STRAIN
Most Mind-Blowing Guitarist: Jeff Hanneman & Kerry King (SLAYER)
Hottest Chick In Metal: Marta Peterson (BLEEDING THROUGH)
And now for the tear-down.
First off, Revolver is a pathetic magazine. Devoted exclusively to mainstream rock/metal, they rarely have anything interesting to say. You can tell by looking at the award recipients. They are bandwagon-hoppers of the worst kind. They are all over the latest trends. Now how about each award itself?
Most Awesomely Good Drummer: Vinnie Paul
I never liked Paul's drumming much when he was with Pantera. It's barely passable. I never saw the appeal of considering him some great drummer in the first place. I would prefer to give this to Gene Hoglan (Dark Angel, Death, Strapping Young Lad). Plus, the name of the award is fucking retarded.
Best Underground Metal Band: ISIS
An easy rule to remember: if a band's albums are sold at Best Buy in smaller markets, you are not underground. I've seen ISIS albums at Best Buy in Grand Island, they don't fit the definition at all. Plus, I hate ISIS and all of the post-metal, shoegaze shit scene. Tons of better selections out there.
Metal Industry Award: Rainbow Bar and Grill
I don't even know what this award is supposed to mean. Pass.
Best Album: Metallica
No, just no. A decent album, but so many better ones came out last year. Grand Magus's album is my personal favorite from last year, but if we are limiting this to the U.S., as it appears we are, then my vote goes to Mictlantecuhtli: Warriors of the Black Sun. If it should be somewhat mainstream then I will vote for the latest offerings from Toxic Holocaust, Lair of the Minotaur, hell even Testament's latest was better than Metallica's.
Honorary Headbanger: Kat Von D
See Metal Industry Award.
Golden God: Dave Mustaine
See above, although I might grant this one, because Mustaine is awesome.
Best Riff: Slipknot
Fuck off. Not fucking metal.
Most Viral Video: Protest the Hero
I don't understand this award either. I'm guessing some sort of best video category. We'll go with Lair of the Minotaur's War Metal Battle Master.
Most Metal Athlete: Shaun White
I don't know who this is. Pass.
Best Live Band: Slipknot
Again, fuck off. Metallica for the win.
Best New Talent: Suicide Silence
No, just no. I'll go with Sothis here. I strongly dislike deathcore.
Lifetime Achievement: Ozzy Osbourne
Okay, I'll grant you another one.
Best International Band: Dethklok
And you really suck. Dethklok is the cartoon band from Metalocalypse. Fuck. Tons of better suggestions. I won't even begin to name them. I-my mind is blown.
Reader's Choice: Acacia Strain
Not metal, doesn't fucking belong. Not my choice.
Most Mind-Blowing Guitarist: Slayer duo
Decent guitarists, but definitely not mind-blowing. You gave Mustaine an award earlier, why not two?
Hottest Chick: Marta Peterson (Bleeding Through)
For American metal chicks, I suppose. Definitely not hotter than Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil.
And there you have the utter failure. In summation: Revolver fucking blows.
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