I have recovered from my aneurysm and can now move the left side of my body again. Time to dig back into this today. Okay, I just need to stretch first and clear my mind. I had a copy of this my first year of college and was not impressed, they were pretty big on nu metal back then and Slipknot was on the cover. Okay, I am ready to tackle this bitch.
CD +15: I like free CDs, I like them even more when they are worthwhile. This one is devoted to the so-called New Wave of Traditional Metal, which despite being a completely made-up genre and stupid name, has some good bands. I'm not totally familiar with all of them, but Wolf, Cauldron (formerly Goat Horn), Jex Thoth (would make an excellent Star Wars character name), The Gates of Slumber, Icarus Witch, and Twisted Tower Dire are all quality bands.
Metallica's James Hetfield cover +3: Not going out on a limb here, but Metallica's last album was good and they were recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'll give it a pass.
Photos of Corey Taylor and Fred Durst on page 7 -2: I don't want Slipknot or Limp Bizkit in my fucking metal magazine. The wound is threatening to return.
Another Slipknot pic -1: THE WOUND! THE WOUND!
Advice Column from Oderus Urungus of Gwar -1: This could have been funnier. A missed opportunity.
Kat Von D feature +2: She's attractive and she's in her underwear, but she would look a hell of a ot better without all the tattoos and rat's nest in her hair. Of course then she would be a nobody. Instead of the burgeoning celebrity she currently is. Ah, sarcasm.
Grand Theft Auto 4 feature +1: What do video games have to do with metal? Ah, apparently Max Cavalera is one of the DJs for a music station you can listen to in the game. Some surprisingly decent bands such as At the Gates, Bathory, Celtic Frost, Deicide, and Kreator.
Defenders of the Faith feature +2: Tour package feature with Lamb of God, Dimmu Borgir, Unearth, and Five Finger Death Punch. Meh.
Machine Head/Metallica main article +5: I don't really understand what these bands have in common other than being past their prime. Oh, Bay Area thrash, except Machine Head was not part of that scene, Robb Flynn's previous band Vio-lence was, so this is unnecessarily tenuous.
Mastodon article -5: Shocker. The guitarist says they're not a metal band and in fact he doesn't listen to metal. I no longer have respect for Mastodon. Alienating your fan base is not a good move.
Iron Maiden article +2: Iron Maiden made a tour movie, interesting. I may check this out. To Netflix I go.
Destroy Destroy Destroy article +1: They're supposed to be interesting but I have never checked them out because of the ridiculously stupid name. We'll see based on their song on the CD.
God Forbid article +2: Meh. Everyone has been covering God Forbid since their latest album. It's not bad, just not great.
Max Cavalera article +5: I always liked Max and he's not schilling some terrible album with Soulfly this time. What gives?
Black Tide article -1: They're okay, very young. The members are all in high school, I'm not sure it's worth following a group this young and naive.
Trouble: The Skull article +2: Good album by a great band. Essential early doom metal album.
Architects article -5: They suck and they look emo. Go the fuck away.
The New Wave of Trad Metal +1: It looks like Metal Hammer is trying to sneak in on what it perceives as a developing scene. News flash: most of these bands have been around for awhile. This is not a new scene, but I guess you're trying desperately to come up with something interesting. Good bands though so I guess you get a point.
Reviews: Same deal as Revolver:
(Hed) P.E. (even) -1: Why would you even want to review this shit? What does the name even mean? Why is my head hurting? What does it all mean?
Shinedown (positive) -1: Shinedown blows.
Others: No points, nothing terribly adventurous here. Meh.
Cannibal Corpse discography review -3: Kill is NOT their best album. For shame.
Dozens of pages of ads -5: Ugh, there's like three pages of ads for every one article.
Seance article +3: Underrated Swedish death metal group finally gets some attention.
Emperor interview +2: Interesting final look at a very influential band.
Subterranean Albums +2: Why separate the more underground albums from the mainstream albums? I don't understand. Are we trying to differentiate between groups of fans?
Overall feel -15: There is a section devoted to the underground at the end of the article, but the rest of the magazine just feels too damn safe. Very few risks involved. Mastodon, Metallica, Iron Maiden, God Forbid, and Machine Head are all mainstream metal artists.
Final Results: +7
There is some interesting information here and I am not completely repulsed by this one as I was by Revolver, but it was overly sanitized. It's metal music for people who are scared by death and black metal. I don't know, not horribly impressed but not freaked out either. It's not worth the $10 fucking dollars it cost. Bloody English. Big meh.
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