As part of the aforementioned trip to the bookstore, I picked up the latest issue of Revolver with Mastodon on the cover. I had picked up Revolver once before a couple of years ago and they had some Hottest Chicks in Metal special. That was not the case this month, although they do appear to be making it some sort of monthly feature, with one girl each month. We'll get to that in a little bit. I have also mentioned Revolver previously on this blog for the atrocity known as the Golden Gods Awards so I knew how bad this magazine could be, boy it was worse than I thought. But on to the scoreboard. As mentioned previously, points are going to be given in a completely arbitrary fashion based solely on my whims. My EVIL whims, wa ha ha. You can't tell, but I am wringing my hands in an evil fashion right now.
COVER:
Mastodon +3: I'm not the biggest Mastodon fan in the world. I enjoyed Blood Mountain and I wouldn't mind getting some of their earlier albums, but I'm not sure I would get their latest album. I don't know, progressive metal isn't one of my favorite genres and I haven't heard anything really exciting off of this album yet.
Hollywood Undead -10: What the fuck? First of all, HWUD, which I will henceforth call them for shits and giggles, is not a fucking metal band. Secondly, I'm not sure you can even make an argument that they are a hard rock band. Thirdly, I am not sure you can make an argument that they are a rock band. Fourthly, my head hurts and I'm just getting angry. Fifthly, this band fucking sucks.
Page 3 advertizement for The Devil Wears Prada -1: I know magazines don't have a ton of choice for what is advertized and they may not all necessarily enjoy the bands in the magazine. But TDWP is a terrible Christian emo-hardcore band named after a Meryl Streep movie. What the fuck? They might as well be named The Bridges of Madison County. Fuck off.
Mastodon stuff -1: As of Page 5 I have seen Mastodon three times. I know they're your covr artist, but chill the fuck out.
Page 9 -1: More Mastodon. Fuck.
Alice in Chains article +1: I haven't seen much mention of this band getting a new singer and going out on the road around. Although it will be very difficult to say that this is the same band since Layne Staley died, at least they are trying to move on.
New Albums in Progress Feature -1: Kind of a nice feature. It does not surprise me that Shadows Fall is mentioned, it does surprise me that there is a mention of Sigh, complete with topless shot of Dr. Mikkanibal who apparently records in the nude, but THRICE? Come on.
Wes Borland picture -1: I want to forget Limp Bizkit ever fucking existed.
Autopsy news blurb +1: Surprised Revolver has heard of Autopsy.
Dressed to Kill feature -2: I like Warbringer, but is it necessary to have a fashion feature to cover t-shirt, jeans, and Converse? This is a music magazine, not a fucking fashion expo.
Hottest Chicks in Metal feature +2: Not a bad idea. This month's feature girl is The Agonist's Alissa White-Gluz. Despite the blue hair, she's not bad looking, although I don't care much for The Agonist's watered down metalcore.
Napalm Death article +5: I'm surprised Revolver has heard of Napalm Death.
Eighteen Visions article -5: Figures. Do something right, then immediately shoot yourself in the foot. Nobody gives a flying fuck about these emo jackasses. Three of the members are wearing fucking scarves in the picure.
Cancer Bats feature -2: I don't know who these fuckwads are, but my ex loves them, which makes me hate them more.
Sylosis feature +1: Not broadening their horizons here as Sylosis fits neatly with Trivium and God Forbid for mainstream metal bands, but hey they're new to the scene.
A Day to Remember feature -1: "Pop-punk-metal"? I don't want to fucking know. I'm sure the metal part is completely false.
Most Metal Moments in Wrestling -5: I dislike wrestling. Most of the "metal" bands are not metal. Limp Bizkit, Saliva, and P.O.D. are featured prominently. My head still hurts. I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Mastodon article +5: We knew it was coming, but hey I'm starting to like Mastodon more and more after being subjected to some of this shit.
Hollywood Undead poster -5: I don't think anyone would want these masked-assholes looking at them from their wall. Only reason I don't take more points away is that Mastodon is on the other side.
Hey I can win a cymbal autographed by Mastodon's drummer! Isn't that special?
Tales From the Pit +2: Looks interesting. Bad moshpit stories. Haven't read it yet, might someday. I highly doubt there are moshpits at Thrice shows though.
Hollywood Undead article -20: ugh, what the fuck? And it's 5 fucking pages long?! And it's all about dick jokes and boob commentary. I don't fucking care. Go away Revolver. I can't move the left side of my body.
Screamo-Crunk Guide -10: Once again, not metal, not hard rock, not rock. This is just a terrible fucking fad that jackass junior high kids in the suburbs with daddy issues listen to. It's not even music. Fail.
Review: We'll just go through and determine point values based on who was reviewed and how positive or negative the review was.
Static-X (positive) -1: Static-X has't released anything even decent in years.
Believer (positive) +1: Not bad, the Christian progressive thrash metal band deserves a good review even if it does come from Revolver.
Dirtfedd (positive) -1: I feel bad because ths band is from my hometown, but they suck so I don't feel so bad.
Got the Life (positive) -1: Fieldy from Korn wrote a tell-all book. Collectively, the U.S. yawns.
Papa Roach (even) -1: Despite the fact that this was not a positive review, the fact that they even bothered with these trend-hopping jackasses and did not review them negatively can only be seen as a failure.
The rest of the reviews don't matter to me.
Slipknot live review -2: Ugh. I hate Slipknot.
Amon Amarth album cover commentary +1: I like Amon Amarth and this was a good cover. Whatever.
So let's total up the score and we have -49 points. Revolver sucks. I recommend this magazine for mallcore idiots who listen to anything MTV Headbanger's Ball and Hot Topic spoon feed them. My head still hurts and I want my $6 back plus pain and suffering.
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