The third magazine I picked up that night was Decibel. Decibel has a bit of a reputation as being written by hipsters for hipsters. Hipsters are annoying. Well without further ado, let's do this bitch.
Heaven and Hell on the cover +5: The renamed Black Sabbath with Dio lineup has one of my most anticipated albums coming out next week. It's good to see them getting some exposure.
Reader of the Month on page 8 -2: This is what I'm talking about. This is the visualization I have when I think of the standard Decibel reader. The picture is of a guy sitting in a cubicle holding a coffee mug, his hair is completely swept to one side and he is wearing an orange scarf, inside mind you. And he has a smug smile on his face. God, I hate hipsters.
Faith No More reunion featurette +1: Good to see some exposure for this monumental reunion. Hopefully they can get along long enough to put out a new album.
Now Slaying -1: I love it when magazines post the playlists of their contributors. There's an awful lot of Isis on this list.
Guest Travel log from some dingus in Genghis Tron -1: I fucking hate Genghis Tron and strongly resent people classifying them as metal.
Scion Rock Festival review -2: Go to whatever the hell festival you want, but when the festival features Mastodon, Neurosis, Baroness, and Pig Destroyer, it's obvious that the hipsters are in charge.
Weird Owl profile -1: One look at these guys is all it takes to make my determination.
Fell Silent profile -1: See above.
Altar of Plagues profile -1: What the fuck is metalgaze? Do I even want to know?
Samael profile +1: The band is getting back to their black metal roots. I am excited.
Agoraphobic Nosebleed article -2: I don't care much for most pure grindcore. This band is no exception. They once put out an album of 100 songs, the album was 20 minutes long. Fuck this band. That's not even music.
Call & Response with Proscriptor from Absu +1: I do love Absu's new album. He likes some bizarre stuff, but the fact that he called out Chimaira as being really bad is funnier than hell.
God Forbid article +3: I suppose I'll give some mercy points here. God Forbid is a decent band and not overly mainstream and not at all hipsterish. Kudos, I guess.
Earth Crisis article -3: Blech. Way to play up the straightedge shit.
My Dying Bride article +5: Finally something good. I was beginning to worry about whether to give up on this.
I'm beginning to think that hipsters are the bane of my existence, just as hippies are the bane of Cartman's existence on South Park. Seriously, they fucking piss me off. Always liking shit ironically. Do they even actually know what they seriously like? I bought the recent Lair of the Minotaur album at my favorite music store and this kid with hair that looked like he had been trapped in a wind tunnel commented that he loved the band, but mostly because of the name. I also bought Dismember, Impaled Nazarene, and Desaster, not a comment about those three. Fucking hipsters.
Anyway, back to the wound. Ugh.
Baseball Preview +5: I don't understand what metal has to do with baseball, but since I like them both, it's all good.
Suffocation retroview +7: I do enjoy Suffocation. It's a decent size article too, so extra points.
Heaven and Hell article +5: Can't wait for this album. Did I say that already? I don't care, I can't wait for this album.
Reviews. Oh fuck, here we go.
Isis (gushing positive review) -1: See? Beard metal. Damn hipsters.
Absu (positive) +1
...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead (positive) -1: My mind is blown. What the fuck is this even doing here?!
Autopsy (positive) +1
Believer (positive) +1
Dreaming Dead (positive) +1: Excellent review of a good up and coming band. Plus, this is one of the bands I submitted to the Metal Archives.
Giant Squid (positive) -1: More hipster shit. Does this magazine dislike anything?
Grave Digger (negative) -1: Oh, sure they don't like an album by a true heavy metal band. Hipsters.
A Kid Hereafter in the Grinding Light (positive) -1: I don't want to know.
My Dying Bride (positive) +1
The Number Twelve Looks Like You (positive) -1: First, not metal, second overly technical bullshit like The Dillinger Escape Plan, one of my all time LEAST favorite bands.
Pack of Wolves (positive) +1: A little beardy, but another one I submitted to the Archives.
Sylosis (positive) +1
Samael (positive) +1
Wolf (positive) +1: Huh, very few, if any, negative reviews.
Vanna (positive) -1: Screamo band, what the hell?
Well that's it for Decibel. They scored a +21, well that's better than Metal Hammer at least. The magazine was a little better than I expected, but anything with opinions should be avoided because of the hipster attitudes. Definitely not as good as Metal Maniacs, but it is better than Revolver, Metal Edge, and Metal Hammer.
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