Saturday, January 23, 2010

Ridiulously Unhelpful Amazon Reviews

Let's switch things up a tad here. This is a review I found a long time ago on Amazon that I found extremely amusing, and I have to post it. I'm so happy I found it again:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have contemplated suicide after listening to this filth. Let me tell you a story...About 4 years ago, I purchased an album by a band called 'Creed'. The music that expelled from my speakers was innovative, original and to put it quite frankly, the best band I have ever heard. Now fast forward over to 2005, and along comes a band with an unoriginal name such as 'Soilwork'. To give you a hint of what this band sounds like, imagine the band gathered around A CD burner, burning Creed's album 'Human Clay' onto a blank disk, and then writing the word 'Soilwork' on the once blank cd. If this isnt a good enough hint for you, then I presume you have an I.Q. below 75. This is the biggest rip off of Creed I have ever heard, and I have heard quite a bit. If you cant see that, then you must have gallons of water atop your brain. It seems as if every riff, beat, bassline and vocal work was stolen from the Gods of Creed and put onto this CD. If that isnt piracy, then I dont know what is. I give Jada Pinkett Smith's (Will Smith's wife) band, 'Wicked Wisdom' more credit than the members of Soilwork (who by the way all have trisomy 21). For the real deal, Check out Creed or Creed-Influenced bands like Puddle of Mudd, Nickleback, 3 Days Grace and Hoobastank. Peace Out-Franky

First of all, Soilwork is by no means my favorite band. But, comparing them to Creed is so ridiculous it's shocking. Does this guy have ears? Soilwork, a melodic death metal band, even at its poppiest, sounds NOTHING like Creed. Then, referring to Creed as gods is even funnier. We all know Creed's singer Scott Stapp thinks he is God, so referring to the band as such has got to really boost Stapp's ego, not that he needs it. Then, we finish out the review by recommending terrible Creed wannabe acts.

This guy used to have quite a few reviews up, but most have disappeared. He also unfavorably compared Dark Tranquillity to Trapt, which is perhaps even funnier than this Soilwork-Creed thing. He also stated in one that System of a Down was ripping off P.O.D. In fact, he also claimed that Limp Bizkit and Rage Against the Machine also ripped off P.O.D., a claim made all the more bewildering by the fact that both of those bands pre-date P.O.D.

I just found some more:

The whole prog-metal thing is getting exceptionally old. Europe continues to release these ridiculous bands that sound too much like bands that we already have here in America!!! While I do understand that bands are traditionally inspired by other bands, I just dont think it works with all of these European acts. We created Prog Rock with Pink Floyd and we created Speed/Death metal with Metallica. Hearing another copycat is tiring and just plain pathetic. The singer does have a great voice; his heavy singing is very reminiscent to James Hetfied and his light voice sounds quite a bit like Staind's lead singer. I might give this band some respect if they had a gun to my head, but since they dont, I think they desperately need to find a new sound. It may sound decent to virgin ears of American prog-metal, but to those who have eaten up the genre, its been done before. If you would like to hear some authentic prog metal, check out Staind, Seven Mary Three, or even 3 Days Grace. Peace Out-Franky

That's right, Opeth is ripping off...STAIND????! And Staind, Seven Mary Three, 3 Days Grace...prog metal???! At least he got Opeth's genre right, but none of those three bands have anything to do with prog...or metal! Also, Opeth has been around longer than Staind, by several years.

Folks, I cant stress this enough...and that is that their is simply an overabundance of Metallica rip off bands in this little world today. And why exactly is this happening? Simply because as soon as Metallica debuted with "Kill 'Em All", metal was never the same. Metal heads like myself witnessed the coming and going of Metallica wannabes, but no one could capture their signature sound. After "And Justice for All", once again metal was never the same. Metallica, to put it frankly, sucked a$$ after the 80s, but thats no reason to discount their valiant effort on "The Black Album". Now a days, every metal band that comes out tries desperately to become Metallica, but fails, and fails so miserably. At the Gates is another band that fuses the speed of 80s Metallica and melodic song structure of Korn. Now dont get me wrong, this combination sounds astounding on paper, but in reality, the coming together of two signature metal sounds is absolutely atrocious. If you're a fan of melody, check out Korn. If you're a fan of speed, then I'd reccomend you check out Metallica (80s of course). Hell, even St. Anger sounds better than this asonine crap. Peace Out-Franky

The Black Dahlia Murder just cant seem to find a sound that truly defines them. On "Unhallowed", they tried to sound like 80s Metallica, and succeeded somewhat. In fact, Unhallowed sounds strikingly similar to 'Master of Puppets'. On 'Miasma', they try to emulate Metallica's 90s sound. I can see that they wanted to pull elements from the Black Album as well as Metallica's finest achievement, 'Load'. However, their effort came up short....way short. Like all Nu Metal bands, TBDM is indistinguishable from every other one that comes along. Im getting really sick of hearing all these bands trying to sound like Metallica and the gods of Korn. Either a) get the sound down right, b) create a new sound, or c) stop playing!. No matter how hard these ridiculous Nu Metal bands try, they'll never be the next Metallica. The Black Dahlia plays rudimentary metal riffs, redundant drum beats, the vocals are abhorrent, and who cares about bass? All in all, The Black Dahlia Murder are just another pathetic Nu Metal band. For some real metal, check these bands out: Korn, Metallica, Velvet Revolver, Trapt, and some Staind. Peace Out- Franky

While this album does sound very similar to Korn, it simply doesnt get that authentic sound that Korn has trademarked. I applaud their effort, which is valiant at best, but the sound that As I Lay Dying has simply doesnt suffice to the ears of a true metal head. Take Korns first album: articulate, brutal, innovative, and 100% pure METAL. Shadows Are Security is okay the first couple of songs, but eventually begins to get extremely repetetive, and does so disgustingly fast. Many of the songs sound more like Trapt than dont get me wrong, Trapt is a great metal band, but they pale in comparison to the Metal Gods of Korn. If you are into metal, then I'd advise you to pick up anything by Korn, especially their self-titled debut. Maybe the next As I Lay Dying album will capture that Korn sound, but haven't quite done so yet. Good Luck to the band, sorry to the listeners who have to hear this pathetic attempt of trying to sound like every other Nu Metal band out today. Peace Out- Franky

As I Lay Dying sounds NOTHING like Korn, I'm sorry. They just don't. Also, Korn 100% pure metal? What the fuck? So there you go, the single worst reviewer I have ever read.


  1. Hmm I think this guy is just messing around , knowing his comments will get a rise out of metalheads who are taking their music seriously. I used to do that too occasionally on metal forums, some people laugh cos they find it really funny, some people start getting all upset.

    How do I stop the widget from playing automatically. It's annoying because I have my music on all the time!

  2. It's very possible he's messing around. The point of the post though was to remark on how unhelpful the reviews are. When you read reviews, you want some idea of the quality of the album, these fail at that.

    I have no idea how to keep the widget from turning on automatically. I wish I did. It catches me by surprise sometimes too.

    Thanks for commenting.

  3. Messing around or not, he is a huge insult to people with Down syndrome.

  4. Not sure if this helps

  5. I hate these troll reviews. Amazon has far too many of them.

    On a side note, I thought it was funny in the Opeth review that he called Pink Floyd an American band.