Saturday, November 21, 2009

Ridiculously Unhelpful Amazon Listmania Pt. 3: The Next Dokken

Yes, that's right boys and girls, apparently we need another Dokken. You remember Dokken right? No? "Breaking the Chains"? "Unchain the Night"? "Alone Again"? "Into the Fire"? "Dream Warriors", the song from A Nightmare on Elm St 5? Bueller?
Whatever, that's why we need a next Dokken, because the first one wasn't memorable enough. I happen to like Dokken okay, they were one of the better bands in the whole 1980's glam metal scene. So what kind of characteristics will we be looking for in the next Dokken? Presumably, they will play some sort of heavily melodic pop-inflected metal with virtuosic guitar solos and high vocals. So who's the next Dokken? Here's the list:

Atreyu (what the fuck? I'm pretty sure there are absolutely no similarities between these two bands)
Ozzy Osbourne (little piece of advice: when determining "the next band x" it's best not to refer to one that has actually been around just as long or longer)
Early Man (I have no exposure to this band whatsoever
3 Inches of Blood (once again, NO similarities)
Ratt (see Ozzy)
Pantera (huh?)
Whitecross (no idea)
White Lion (awful, awful band)
Pharaoh (great new band, virtually no similarity to Dokken though)
Avenged Sevenfold (more like the next Guns 'N Roses, minus talent and memorable songs)
Dreamland (never heard of 'em)
Poison (see Ratt)
Nocturnal Rites (Swedish power metal band)
Disturbed (and my brain exploded)
Phil Vincent
Black Widow (this album was originally released in 1970, eight years prior to the formation of Dokken)
Metallica (why would Metallica want to be the next anything? what's wrong with being the first Metallica? Pretty good if you ask me)
The Sword (doom metal wannabe band, Dokken is not at all close to doom metal)
I (blackened heavy metal supergroup)
Skid Row (this I might be inclined to believe, but they're not around anymore at all)
Slick Shoes (who?)
Iced Earth (no)
Razormaid (this was released in 1987 and the band promptly disbanded, thus they are not the next anything)
The Cowboy Prostitutes
Def Leppard (see Poison)
Riff Raff (originally released in 1974)
Sebastian Bach
Human Zoo
Seventh Calling
Sonic X

I've never heard of half of these bands. Is the next Dokken among them, no clue? Do I care? Not a chance.

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