Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear Roadrunner Records

In the 1980's and early 1990's, you and Metal Blade were perhaps the premiere heavy metal labels. Then you discovered nu-metal and have never been the same. You have even publicly stated that you probably would not sign a death metal band anymore. You fucking suck now. And now we get this list of your top 50 metal frontmen. I have underlined metal for a very good reason and here is the list along with my complaints about some of them:

1. Robert Plant (Band of Joy, Led Zeppelin, Rockestra, The Honeydrippers, Page and Plant, Strange Sensation, Alison Krauss) Led Zeppelin is NOT fucking metal, neither are any of the groups Plant has been with.
2. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden, Samson)
3. Ronnie James Dio (Elf, Rainbow, Black Sabbath, Dio, Heaven and Hell)
4. Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses, Hollywood Rose, L.A. Guns, Rapidfire) None of these bands are fucking metal.
5. James Hetfield (Metallica)
6. Angus Young (AC/DC) 1. AC/DC is not fucking metal. 2. Frontman typically means singer, not guitarist.
7. Alice Cooper (Alice Cooper) NOT FUCKING METAL
9. David Lee Roth (Van Halen) Not metal
10. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath, Ozzy) Should be #1.
11. Mike Patton (Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Fantômas, Tomahawk, Peeping Tom, Lovage, John Zorn, Kaada/Patton, Dillinger Escape Plan, Hemophiliac, Maldoror, General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners) I love Faith No More, nothing else he has done is worth a damn.
12. Gene Simmons (Kiss, Wicked Lester) Kiss is not a metal band.
13. Dee Snider (Twisted Sister, Desperado, Widowmaker, S.M.F.’s (Sick Mother Fuckers) )
14. HR (Bad Brains, Human Rights) Bad Brains is a fucking punk band with only occasional metal influences.
15. Rob Halford (Judas Priest, Fight, 2wo, Halford, Bullring Brummies) Should be a helluva lot higher.
16. Sebastien Bach (Madam X, Skid Row, Frameshift, Damnocracy)
17. Iggy Pop (The Stooges, The Iguanas) Definitely not a fucking metal band.
18. Henry Rollins (State of Alert, Black Flag, Henrietta Collins and the Wifebeating Childhaters, Rollins Band) Not metal
19. Marilyn Manson (Mrs. Scabtree, Marilyn Manson) Not metal
20. Serj Tankian (System of a Down, Serart, Axis of Justice,) Fuck, are there any metal singers here?
21. Phil Anselmo (Superjoint Ritual, Christ Inversion, Down, Arson Anthem, Viking Crown, Pantera) Finally got one.
22. Lemmy (Motörhead, The Rockin’ Vickers, The Head Cat)
23. Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails Pigface, Tapeworm) Not fucking metal.
24. Kerry King (Slayer) Not the frontman.
25. Danzig (Misfits, Samhain, Danzig)
26. Zach De La Rocha (Rage Against the Machine, Inside Out, Hardstance, One Day as a Lion) Not fucking metal.
27. GG Allin Very fucking far removed from metal.
28. Scott Ian (Anthrax, Stormtroopers of Death, Damnocracy, Pearl) Not the frontman, although I might make an exception since he is the most well-known member.
29. Rob Zombie (White Zombie, Scum of the Earth)
30. Tomas Lindberg (At the Gates, Disfear, The Great Deceiver, The Crown, Skitsystem) Kind of surprised to see him in here given the major mainstream nature of this list.
31. Maynard James Keenan (TexA.N.S., Children of the Anachronistic Dynasty, Tool, Green Jellÿ, Tapeworm, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer) Not fucking metal.
32. Gaahl (Gorgoroth, Trelldrom, Wardruna) Odd choice here.
33. David Coverdale (Whitesnake, Deep Purple) I'm on the fence, Deep Purple is metal, Whitesnake is not, I suppose I'll allow it.
34. Doro (Snakebite, Warlock) What a weird choice. Doro and Warlock have absolutely NO exposure in the U.S. Not that I disagree with the choice, just seems outside-the-box.
35. Greg Puciato (The Dillinger Escape Plan) Not fucking metal and I fucking HATE The Dillinger Escape Plan, pure noise, no musical structure.
36. Vince Niel (Mötley Crüe)
37. Wendy-O-Williams (Plasmatics) Not fucking metal.
38. Lita Ford (The Runaways) Despite duet with Ozzy, still not metal.
39. Conrad Lant (Venom, Cronos, Probot)
40. Mike Muir (Suicidal Tendencies, No Mercy, Infectious Grooves)
41. Alexi Laiho (Children of Bodom, Sinergy, Kylähullut, Impaled Nazarene)
42. Jeff Walker (Carcass, Blackstar, Brujeria, Electro Hippies)
43. Tom G Warrior (Hellhammer, Celtic Frost, Apollyon Sun, Triptykon) Should be higher.
44. Wino (The Obcessed, Spirit Caravan, St. Vitus, Wino)
45. Joey Demaio (Manowar) Not the frontman.
46. Chuck Billy (Testament, Dublin Death Patrol)
47. Mike Monroe (Hanoi Rocks, Demolition 23) Another completely off the wall choice as no one remembers either band, also NOT METAL.
48. Dead (Mayhem, Morbid) Really? His claim to fame is slicing both his wrists and blowing his head off with a shotgun and then appearing like that on the cover of Mayhem's Dawn of the Black Hearts live album. He did not actually appear on ANY of their full length albums.
49. Sakevi (GISM) Has ANYONE heard of GISM?
50. Till Lindemann (Rammstein, First Arsch) Not fucking metal.

Okay, out of 50 "metal frontmen", we have 29 who were actually in METAL bands and most of those were towards the bottom of the list. Roadrunner, you fucking make me sick. Let's see 21 frontmen you managed to NOT name that are in metal bands: Dave Mustaine (Megadeth, seriously how the HELL do you justify leaving him out?), Chuck Schuldiner (Death, Control Denied), Chris Barnes (Cannibal Corpse, Six Feet Under, Torture Killer, Leviathan, Tirant Sin), Chris Cornell (Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, the rest of his bands I deny ever existed), Bobby Blitz Ellsworth (Overkill), King Diamond (Mercyful Fate, King Diamond), Max Cavalera (Sepultura, Soulfly, Cavalera Conspiracy), Ihsahn (Emperor, Ihsahn), Tom Angelripper (Sodom), Mille Petrozza (Kreator), Peter Steele (Type O Negative, Carnivore), Glen Benton (Deicide, Vital Remains), Glenn Hughes (Deep Purple, Black Sabbath), Zakk Wylde (Ozzy Osbourne, Black Label Society), Dani Filth (Cradle of Filth), Geoff Tate (Queensryche), Layne Staley (Alice in Chains, Mad Season), Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth), Quorthon (Bathory), Barney Greenway (Benediction, Napalm Death), Pepper Keenan (Corrosion of Conformity, Down).

Also, let's have a look at your current highlighted artists on your label:
Nickelback: You have got to be fucking joking.
Theory of a Deadman: Nickelback clone
Madina Lake: some sort of an emo band
Collective Soul: huh?
Cavalera Conspiracy
Machine Head
Dommin: I have no fucking clue what they are, but they are not metal, smells like emo to me.
Slipknot: I have made my feelings on this shitty band pretty clear, not metal.
3 metal bands. That's it, for a once-major metal label.
Other extraordinarily NOT METAL bands on your label these days: Airbourne, Biffy Clyro, Dresden Dolls, Sammy Hagar, Stone Sour.

You fucking suck.


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