I seriously wonder sometimes how people or companies define "metal". Seriously. Some of this shit is amazing. Words cannot describe the feeling I get from looking at a list like this one. That's not entirely true, actually. The words "what the flying fuck were these idiots thinking?" basically sums it up.
For this, I'm introducing a new acronym. "NFM" will hereinafter on this blog stand for "NOT FUCKING METAL" because I'm tired of typing that all the time. I have also created a tag from this day forward, so anytime that appears in a post, it will be tagged as such.
There is a lot to say about this list, but I'll start with the obvious: Hit Parader has no fucking clue what is going on. I'm not going to argue too much about the placement of the actual metal singers (with one exception), because there is so much fail here that it would be difficult to nitpick that issue to death as well.
Top 100 Metal Vocalists
01. Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin): NFM. I guess I have never understood the appeal of Robert Plant or Led Zeppelin. I guess I never really will.
02. Rob Halford (Judas Priest, Fight, Halford)
03. Steven Tyler (Aerosmith): NFM. Aerosmith, Metal? Really?
04. Chris Cornell (Soundgarden)
05. Bon Scott (AC/DC): NFM. Nothing more than a hard rock band.
06. Freddie Mercury (Queen): NFM.
07. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
08. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne): This is the one nitpick I'm going to do with regard to placement. Seriously, Ozzy should be #1. His recent stuff is awful, but he was the original metal singer and still had some great albums during his solo career. Sure he's not as technically gifted, but he is the most recognizable, by far.
09. Paul Rodgers (Bad Company): NFM.
10. Ronnie James Dio (Dio, Black Sabbath, Heaven & Hell)
11. Axl Rose (Guns 'n Roses): NFM.
12. Sammy Hagar (Van Halen): NFM. Lots and lots of hard rock bands here, very few metal bands so far.
13. Geddy Lee (Rush): I still don't like Rush.
14. Geoff Tate (Queensryche)
15. Mick Jagger (Rolling Stones): NFM. Yep, lots of hard rock bands.
16. Jonathan Davis (Korn): NFM. What the hell?
17. Roger Daltrey (The Who): NFM. More ancient hard rock bands.
18. Paul Stanley (Kiss): NFM. See above.
19. David Lee Roth (Van Halen): NFM. And again. Why is Roth lower than Hagar?
20. Kurt Cobain (Nirvana): NFM. I always thought Nirvana was overrated. I know it's blasphemy, but I don't care.
21. Maynard James Keenan (Tool): NFM.
22. Klaus Meine (Scorpions)
23. Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam): NFM. Apparently metal is anything with a guitar.
24. James Hetfield (Metallica)
25. Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails): NFM. Apparently the guitar is not even necessary.
26. Serj Tankian (System of a Down): NFM.
27. Layne Staley (Alice in Chains)
28. Steve Perry (Journey): NFM. Are you kidding? The singer from Journey? Seriously, this has got to be a fucking joke. The singer from Journey? My head hurts. I can't move my right arm. Journey? Metal?
29. Gene Simmons (Kiss): NFM.
30. Joe Elliott (Def Leppard)
31. Jon Bon Jovi (Bon Jovi): NFM. Really? In what alternate dimension is Bon Jovi metal?
32. Alice Cooper (Alice Cooper): NFM. Although, I do like Alice Cooper, much more than his imitators like Marilyn Manson.
33. Vince Neil (Motley Crue)
34. Steve Marriott (Humble Pie): NFM. One of those hard rock bands that slipped through the cracks apparently.
35. Lajon Witherspoon (Sevendust): NFM.
36. Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)
37. Philip Anselmo (Pantera, Down, Superjoint Ritual)
38. Zack De La Rocha (Rage Against the Machine): NFM. Way to pick the LEAST metal member of this band.
39. Brian Johnson (AC/DC): NFM.
40. Bret Michaels (Poison): NFM. Wears a cowboy hat and bandanna to cover grotesque bald spot. Can't find love with army of skanks. Knocked out by curtain at the fucking Tony Awards. Jackass.
41. Udo Dirkschneider (Accept, UDO)
42. David Draiman (Disturbed): NFM.
43. Ian Gillian (Deep Purple)
44. Marilyn Manson (Marilyn Manson): NFM. Alice Cooper copycat.
45. Jeff Keith (Tesla): NFM. Oh man, I can't stop laughing.
46. Chester Bennington (Linkin Park): NFM. And my lungs just caved in.
47. Sully Erna (Godsmack): NFM.
48. Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead)
49. Aaron Lewis (Staind): NFM.
50. Brett Scallions (Fuel): NFM. I had to look this guy up, I had never heard of him before. Fuel, really? What the hell?
51. Chino Moreno (Deftones): NFM.
52. Rob Zombie (White Zombie, Rob Zombie)
53. Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers): NFM. Did I miss something? When were they ever considered metal?
54. David Coverdale (Deep Purple, Whitesnake): I'll give him a pass for Deep Purple, although that Whitesnake thing is pretty horrifying.
55. Gary Cherone (Extreme, Van Halen): NFM. Okay, we have all three of Van Halen's singers here now, which still doesn't change the fact that they are not a metal band.
56. Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone): NFM. Better known as that guy that Temple of the Dog was formed to pay tribute to. That's right, his musical legacy is that a terrible band that he was not in was formed out of one slightly better band and one much better band, just to pay tribute to.
57. Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver): NFM. Drug-addled mess that may or may not be currently dead. Has anyone heard from him lately? Someone better go check on him.
58. Tom Araya (Slayer)
59. Phil Lynnot (Thin Lizzy)
60. Rod Stewart: NFM. What the fucking hell? Rod Stewart? Are you kidding me, I thought Journey was bad. What is Rod Stewart doing here? Sure he was in the Jeff Beck Group and Faces, but neither of those are his legacy and neither of those excuse the schmaltzy shit he has been peddling ever since.
61. Scooter Ward (Cold): NFM. I wonder when this list was created. There's an awful lot of nu metal bads here that dropped off the face of the earth after a couple of albums.
62. Ray Davies (The Kinks): NFM. No, just no.
63. Sonny Sandoval (P.O.D.): NFM. See Scooter Ward.
64. David Bowie (David Bowie): NFM. Lord.
65. Joan Jett (Joan Jett and the Blackhearts): NFM.
66. Josey Scott (Saliva): NFM. Top 100 my ass.
67. Perry Farrell (Jane's Addiction, Porno for Pyros): NFM. Awful bands, awful singer, awful list.
68. Scott Stapp (Creed): NFM. Now you're just trying to anger me Hit Parader.
69. Amy Lee (Evanescence): NFM. One hit wonder.
70. Don Dokken (Dokken)
71. Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit): NFM. Top 100 Moronic Douchebags I could see, Top 100 Metal Singers? No.
72. Mike Shinoda (Linkin Park): NFM. The least metal member of that shitfest.
73. Pepper Keenan (Corrosion of Conformity, Down)
74. Dez Fafara (Coal Chamber, DevilDriver): I'm not totally sure I can give credit here, because this list was probably done while Dez was still in Coal Chamber, another nu metal band that is NFM.
75. Gavin Rossdale (Bush): NFM. Banging Gwen Stefani is the most metal thing he ever did, everything else is utter shit.
76. Blackie Lawless (WASP)
77. Dave Wyndorf (Monster Magnet): NFM. I like Monster Magnet though.
78. Ann Wilson (Heart): NFM.
79. Jimi Hendrix (Jimi Hendrix): NFM. I have a lot of respect for Hendrix, but he's not metal.
80. Ville Valo (HIM): NFM. Maybe this list is newer than I think.
81. Peter Steele (Carnivore, Type O Negative)
82. Dave Williams (Drowning Pool): NFM. Not to disrespect the dead or anything, but Williams was only with the band for one album, and it's a terrible album. How the hell did he make it on this list?
83. Dee Snider (Twisted Sister)
84. Joe Lynn Turner (Rainbow, Yngie Malmsteen, Deep Purple)
85. King Diamond (Mercyful Fate, King Diamond)
86. Corey Taylor (Slipknot, Stone Sour): NFM.
87. Jamey Jasta (Hatebreed): NFM. Although Jasta did do Kingdom of Sorrow with members of Crowbar, which sounds like Hatebreed singing to Crowbar. It really is that bad.
88. Justin Hawkins (The Darkness): NFM. Hit Parader officially is a joke.
89. Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)
90. Ian Astbury (The Cult): NFM.
91. Stephen Pearcy (Ratt): NFM.
92. Phil Mogg (UFO): NFM.
93. Biff Byford (Saxon)
94. Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil)
95. Dani Filth (Cradle of Filth)
96. Wes Scantlin (Puddle of Mudd): NFM. I had to look this guy up too. Seriously, what the fuck is Hit Parader smoking. I'm surprised the singer from Nickelback didn't make the list.
97. Tim “Ripper” Owens (Judas Priest, Iced Earth, Yngwie Malmsteen, Rising Force, Beyond Fear): Ripper is a good vocalist, but has never really caught on with any band for a long time. It's a little tough to argue for his inclusion here.
98. Joshua Todd (Buckcherry): NFM. I really fucking hate Buckcherry. They are even more irritating in concert if possible.
99. Kevin Dubrow (Quiet Riot)
100. Ray Gillen (Black Sabbath): I had to look him up too, apparently he was one of the one-off singers in Black Sabbath, and very little else. What is he doing here? Wikipedia says he is best known for his work with Black Sabbath, Badlands, and Phenomena. Neither of the last two bands did much of anything, and he didn't do much of anything with Black Sabbath. What a way to end this thing.
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