Revolver Golden Gods 2010 Nominees

Two days ago, the nominees for Revolver's 2010 Golden Gods award show were announced. Last year was a clusterfuck. Let's see if they can make it worse:

http://www.metalinjection.net/latest-news/revolver-golden-gods-awards-2010-nominees-announced

Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead will receive the Lifetime Achievement Award. This is something I can agree with as Motorhead has been around for a long time now and were one of the early popular metal bands.

Rob Halford will receive the Golden God Award. Again, this is well-received as Halford has fronted Judas Priest for most of their albums and has also been in Fight and Halford, two underrated metal bands.

Performing will be Rob Zombie, Fear Factory, As I Lay Dying, The Devil Wears Prada, and an all star band picked by Brian Posehn, the nerdy mail clerk from Just Shoot Me. Zakk Wylde will also perform. Ugh. Rob Zombie really hasn't been good in years and The Devil Wears Prada is fucking awful. The rest of the stuff is just mediocre.

Hosts will be Andrew W.K. and Chris Jericho, the wrestler that also sings for Fozzy. Ugh again.

And now for the nominees:

BEST GUITARIST
Kirk Hammett (Metallica)
Tony Iommi (Heaven & Hell)
Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine, Street Sweeper Social Club)
Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)
Slash
Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society)

THOUGHTS: Did Tom Morello release anything this last year? Kirk Hammett? Slash? Wylde? What's the standard for getting a nomination? My pick is Mustaine.


BEST DRUMMER
Chris Adler (Lamb of God)
Brann Dailor (Mastodon)
Dave Grohl (Them Crooked Vultures)
Gene Hoglan (Dethklok, Fear Factory)
Dave Lombardo (Slayer)
Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan (Avenged Sevenfold)

THOUGHTS: "The Rev" was only nominated because he died recently, so he'll probably win despite being mediocre. Hoglan or Lombardo better win.


BEST VOCALIST
Jonathan Davis (Korn)
Ronnie James Dio (Heaven & Hell)
Neil Fallon (Clutch)
Lzzy Hale (Halestorm)
Serj Tankian (Serj Tankian, System Of A Down)
Corey Taylor (Slipknot, Stone Sour)

THOUGHTS:Awful list. Dio is the only decent choice here.


ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Alice in Chains, Black Gives Way to Blue
Heaven & Hell, The Devil You Know
Mastodon, Crack the Skye
Megadeth, Endgame
Slayer, World Painted Blood
Them Crooked Vultures, Them Crooked Vultures

THOUGHTS: I'm sure Mastodon will win, but would like to see it go to Megadeth, Heaven & Hell, or Slayer. Them Crooked Vultures? Really?


BEST LIVE BAND
The Devil Wears Prada
Lamb of God
Metallica
Motörhead
Rob Zombie
Slayer

THOUGHTS:What the fuck? The Devil Wears Prada? C'mon Metallica or Slayer.


BEST UNDERGROUND BAND
Behemoth
Between the Buried and Me
The Black Dahlia Murder
Converge
The Dillinger Escape Plan
Obituary

THOUGHTS:None of these bands are underground. Again, my definition of underground is a band you can't find at Best Buy. None of these bands qualify. I'm pretty sure Converge is only on here because every other metal magazine drools all over them. I doubt Revolver has ever heard of them. My pick is Behemoth.


MOST METAL ATHLETE
Josh Barnett (MMA fighting)
Marc Colombo, Cory Procter, and Leonard Davis (NFL football)
Chris Jericho (WWE wrestling)
Mike Piazza (MLB baseball)
Jason Ellis (Pro skateboarding)
Jolene Van Vugt (Pro motocrosser)

THOUGHTS: Pass.


HOTTEST CHICK(S) IN METAL
Pearl Aday (Pearl)
Maria Brink (In This Moment)
Lzzy Hale (Halestorm)
Lacey Mosley (Flyleaf)
Alexia & Anissa Rodriguez (Eyes Set to Kill)
Cristina Scabbia (Lacuna Coil)

THOUGHTS: This should go to my fiancee, but those bastards did not nominate her. It's gotta be Scabbia from these choices right?


COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
AC/DC
Alice in Chains
Anvil
Fear Factory
Heaven & Hell
KISS

THOUGHTS: Alice in Chains should be the favorite here due to length of absence, circumstances, etc. I could see an argument for Fear Factory, since they sorta broke up, and Heaven & Hell. Anvil never went anywhere, ever. Therefore, they had nothing to come back to. AC/DC has been churning out the same album for years, it wasn't that long ago that they released their last one. I don't give a fuck about Kiss.


So there you have it. Yikes. It's not as bad as last year, but there aren't any really compelling choices there either. Revolver still fucking sucks.

The Revolver Golden God Awards Were Fucking Pathetic

As you might guess, I have a bit of a disdain for award shows. Especially when they have a metal category because they almost always manage to fuck it up. So how about an awards show devoted to metal? Can't be too bad can it? Yes, yes it can.

Enter the Revolver Golden God Awards. The list of winners:
Most Awesomely Good Drummer: Vinnie Paul (HELLYEAH/PANTERA)
Best Underground Metal Band: ISIS
Metal Industry Award: The Rainbow Bar & Grill
Best Album: METALLICA
Honorary Headbanger: Kat Von D
Golden God: Dave Mustaine (MEGADETH)
Best Riff: SLIPKNOT
Most Viral Video: PROTEST THE HERO
Most Metal Athlete: Shaun White
Best Live Band: Slipknot
Best New Talent: SUICIDE SILENCE
Lifetime Achievement: OZZY OSBOURNE
Best International Band: DETHKLOK
Reader’s Choice Award: ACACIA STRAIN
Most Mind-Blowing Guitarist: Jeff Hanneman & Kerry King (SLAYER)
Hottest Chick In Metal: Marta Peterson (BLEEDING THROUGH)

And now for the tear-down.

First off, Revolver is a pathetic magazine. Devoted exclusively to mainstream rock/metal, they rarely have anything interesting to say. You can tell by looking at the award recipients. They are bandwagon-hoppers of the worst kind. They are all over the latest trends. Now how about each award itself?

Most Awesomely Good Drummer: Vinnie Paul
I never liked Paul's drumming much when he was with Pantera. It's barely passable. I never saw the appeal of considering him some great drummer in the first place. I would prefer to give this to Gene Hoglan (Dark Angel, Death, Strapping Young Lad). Plus, the name of the award is fucking retarded.

Best Underground Metal Band: ISIS
An easy rule to remember: if a band's albums are sold at Best Buy in smaller markets, you are not underground. I've seen ISIS albums at Best Buy in Grand Island, they don't fit the definition at all. Plus, I hate ISIS and all of the post-metal, shoegaze shit scene. Tons of better selections out there.

Metal Industry Award: Rainbow Bar and Grill
I don't even know what this award is supposed to mean. Pass.

Best Album: Metallica
No, just no. A decent album, but so many better ones came out last year. Grand Magus's album is my personal favorite from last year, but if we are limiting this to the U.S., as it appears we are, then my vote goes to Mictlantecuhtli: Warriors of the Black Sun. If it should be somewhat mainstream then I will vote for the latest offerings from Toxic Holocaust, Lair of the Minotaur, hell even Testament's latest was better than Metallica's.

Honorary Headbanger: Kat Von D
See Metal Industry Award.

Golden God: Dave Mustaine
See above, although I might grant this one, because Mustaine is awesome.

Best Riff: Slipknot
Fuck off. Not fucking metal.

Most Viral Video: Protest the Hero
I don't understand this award either. I'm guessing some sort of best video category. We'll go with Lair of the Minotaur's War Metal Battle Master.

Most Metal Athlete: Shaun White
I don't know who this is. Pass.

Best Live Band: Slipknot
Again, fuck off. Metallica for the win.

Best New Talent: Suicide Silence
No, just no. I'll go with Sothis here. I strongly dislike deathcore.

Lifetime Achievement: Ozzy Osbourne
Okay, I'll grant you another one.

Best International Band: Dethklok
And you really suck. Dethklok is the cartoon band from Metalocalypse. Fuck. Tons of better suggestions. I won't even begin to name them. I-my mind is blown.

Reader's Choice: Acacia Strain
Not metal, doesn't fucking belong. Not my choice.

Most Mind-Blowing Guitarist: Slayer duo
Decent guitarists, but definitely not mind-blowing. You gave Mustaine an award earlier, why not two?

Hottest Chick: Marta Peterson (Bleeding Through)
For American metal chicks, I suppose. Definitely not hotter than Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil.

And there you have the utter failure. In summation: Revolver fucking blows.